The Delusion-Heartbreak Cycle
Delusion is a useful tool.
Without delusion, I might not have started writing this book. If I had known how much work it would be, how many tears I would shed, I might have cowered in fear or decided it wasn’t worth it. But I was delusional, and therefore confident that I could write a book. A good one.
Two and a half years ago, I sat at my desk in my little room (or on my couch with my dog). I dreamt up a world in my head and converted it to words on a page. I arranged those words into sentences, into paragraphs, into pages and scenes and chapters, until I had something that resembled a book.
That first bout of delusion allowed me to get started, but it eventually came to an end. And when it did, when I realized just how delusional I had been, and I was forced to shift my expectations for how much time and effort were required to write a book (let alone a good one), it felt a lot like heartbreak.
But I moved on. I adjusted my expectations. I determined a new estimated completion date and I got back to work. Eventually, I reached the next phase, for which I created yet another set of delusional expectations I did not end up meeting. And so the cycle continued.
I gave it a name: the Delusion-Heartbreak Cycle.
Since I began writing, I have experienced enough iterations to be familiar with each step in the process.
So much so that I outlined them all below.
The Delusion-Heartbreak Cycle
Step 1: Delusion
Set a lofty goal. Make sure you’re confident you can meet it!
Discuss your totally attainable goal with anyone who will listen.
Step 2: Heartbreak
Fail to meet said goal.
Acknowledge the goal was, in some way or another, delusional.
Step 3: Reckoning
Reckon with that delusion and move the goal posts to a more realistic position.
Carry on, heart still a bit sore from the failure, but free of the burden of unrealistic goals.
Step 4: Bolstering
Meet the adjusted (realistic) goal.
Bolster confidence that the next goal will be achievable.
Step 5: Forgetting
Forget you completed steps 1 - 4.
Repeat steps 1 - 4.
I have experienced the Delusion-Heartbreak Cycle enough times that when the latest heartbreak hit, and I realized I was delusional YET AGAIN, I was frustrated with both the delusion itself and the realization that this was a cycle. I felt like I was on a ferris wheel, and I didn’t know how to get off.
This joyful think-piece was born out of that frustration, but the irony is that reflecting on that frustration has made me feel much, much better.
Because cycles typically consist of both lows and highs. The Delusion-Heartbreak Cycle is no different. In between heartbreaks, progress is made. It might not be the progress I expect, but it is progress nonetheless. The cycle continuing means I’m moving forward. Sure, I occasionally break down in tears and question every choice I’ve ever made. But does that stop me? No. (At least not according to the current data set.)
I’m not on a ferris wheel. Ferris wheels don’t go anywhere. I’m on a bike, or in a car, or pushing a wheel barrow…you get the picture. The wheel keeps on turning, and each iteration, I get closer to the elusive end.
And maybe the next time I get to Step 2: Heartbreak, I’ll remember that I’ve been there before. Maybe I’ll be kinder to my delusional self.
Because her confidence got me started. Her enthusiasm propels me forward.
And a little delusion goes a long way.